Episode 13/Transcript
Nubbins: (over PA) Students and faculty, please give a big round of applause to the five finalists for Overland Park Prom Queen 2012! It is my pleasure to say, here to present the crown, ladies and gentlemen, the most popular girl in the history of the Blue Valley District and 2011 Overland Park Prom Queen, Cameron Van Buren! Belinda: (high-pitched screaming) Cameron: Thank you, Principal Nubbins! Nubbins: (over PA) It's just so great to have you back on campus, Cameron. Cameron: It's so great to be back. Mackenzie: I'm sorry, does anyone else think it's a conflict of interest to have a Van Buren announcing the winners— Brittnay: When a Van Buren is one of the finalists? Mackenzie: Don't you ever fucking cut me off again, do you understand me? Shay: I'm gonna be honest, I don't really see what the big deal is. Cameron: Yeah me neither, I'm fine with it. Deandra: And thanks to the pity vote, I'm gonna win regardless, so I don't really give two shits. Mackenzie: Amberlynn? Amberlynn: Well, I think this should really just be a night for all of us to celebrate together, you guys. Like, I know it's a cliché, but it's such an honor just to be nominated. Brittnay: (tearing up) Goddammit! She's so wise! Nubbins: As it is ladies, I am unable to attend tonight, as somebody thought it would funny to reverse the locks on my office door, thereby sealing me in to this deathtrap of paperwork and diplomas. Whoever you are, just know: I will find you. And when I do... (chuckles) Nonetheless, the show must go on. So Cameron, the floor is yours. Cameron: Thank you! Before we begin, I just want to let each of the finalists know that you're all winners. ...Except for those of you who don't win. You're all losers. Belinda: Oh, she is so eloquent! Bridget: You smell like maple syrup and meat. Belinda: What did your father do to you? Cameron: Our third runner up is... Amberlynn Weggers! Tanner: Aw, you guys, she really deserves that! Good for you Amberlynn! Tristan: If you love her so much why don't you just marry her then? Tanner: Hey! Over the line, Tristan. Tristan: Sorry. I just can't differentiate between jealousy and horniness. Tanner: I know. I know. (Tanner and Tristan make out) Cameron: (finished placing a sash on Amberlynn and she walks off) Good job. Everybody will forget you next year. Justin: Has anyone seen my girlfriend? Cameron: Second runner up... Deandra the New Girl! Deandra: What the fuck! I got my fucking arms ripped off for second runner up! This is fucking bullshit! I don't even know what place second runner up is! Cameron: It sure the fuck isn't winning. Steven: It's third place. Deandra: Third place?! Are you kidding me? I have to learn to write with my mouth like goddamn Joni Erickson Tada and all I get is fucking third place. This is bullshit! This would have never happened in Atchison! Cameron: Good job. Second second place is always fun. (Cameron places the sash around Deandra, which falls to the floor and she walks off) Cameron: Alright, our first runner up, and definitely not the winner, mostly because she's a bitch, and because she's a bitch, is... Brittnay "Boom Boom" Matthews. Mackenzie: Congratulations, Britt. First runner up is a big accomplishment for someone like you. Brittnay: Fuck off. Mackenzie: I hope you'll remember never to betray me again. Brittnay: This isn't over. Mackezie: Oh no, trust me, it is. Cameron: Oh hey Britt, I noticed you decided to come to prom without a date. (giggles) That's really ballsy. Brittnay: Well, you more than anyone would know what it's like having balls, wouldn't you? Cameron: What the fuck did you say? Brittnay: You heard me, Jamie Lee Curtis. Cameron: That was a rumor! That's a dirty fucking rumor and you know it's not true! Brittnay: Well Cameron sounds like a pretty gender neutral name to me! Cameron: Moving on, it's the moment we've all been waiting for— Nubbins: (over PA) Um, Cameron, may I please— Cameron: Oh, of course. Nubbins: (over PA) Ladies and gentlemen, the moment we've all been waiting for... a special performance by the Overland Park Boys Football Team! (Music begins playing and the football team goes on stage and begin dancing) Matthew: Alright everybody, big finish— Mackenzie: Enough! Get off of my stage! Matthew: Well, actually— Mackenzie: Get off of my stage! Matthew: Yeah, okay we're gonna get off the stage. Mackenzie: I have been waiting all night— Trisha: Actually, we've only been waiting like thirty or forty min— Mackenzie: Shut up Trisha! I have been waiting my entire life for one moment. And that moment keeps getting pushed back by dance routines, armless girls, and the bickering of blonde idiots. Oh, and whatever the fuck that is! Tristan: Oh me? I'm a Pisces, but please, keep going. I am loving this, you are so presh! Brittnay: Okay, I know you did not ju— Mackenzie: Save it Judas! Cameron: (laughs) I'm sorry, do you know who the fuck you're talking to? Mackenzie: DO YOU KNOW THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING TO? I am Mackenzie Zales! Head cheerleader, homecoming queen, part time mothafuckin model! So open the goddamn envelope, and give me the crown that is rightfully mine! Cameron: This... this can't be right. Can somebody look at this for me? Bridget: Oh goddammit. Cameron: The 2012 Overland Park Prom Queen is apparently a write-in. Trisha: Wait, she's coming in on a horse? Brittnay: No, write-in, like with a pen. That means she wasn't nominated. Bridget: The winner is... Rachel Tice. Brittnay, Trisha, Mackenzie, and Shay: Whaaaaatttt? Matthew: The... wow... Shay: This is the worst thing that has happened to anybody ever! Brittnay: You cannot be serious. (Judith and Rachel go onstage laughing) Judith: Our plan has come to fruition! Cameron: Congratulation—Ugh, I can't even say it. Congratulations, Rachel Tice. You are the 2012 Overland Park Prom Queen. Oh my God... Rachel: Oh thank you, Cameron Van Buren. From one popular girl to another, you are standing in my light. Cameron: I'm sorry, what? Rachel: Hit the bricks, bitch. Cameron: —I never! Rachel: Well, now you have. People of Overland Park, your queen is humbled by the— Brittnay: No! No! This cannot be possible. You smell, you talk incessantly about Gossip Girl, and no one even likes you! Judith: Hey! I like her! Brittnay: Exactly! Shay: How could you possibly have gotten more votes than us! Judith: We had a master plan. It was very complex. Try to explain to these simpletons all the twists and turns, Rachel. Rachel: Well, I gave every boy in the school a blowjay! Mackenzie: What? Brittnay: That's impossible! I know for a fact that you cannot suck the dick of every boy in school in that amount of time! Blaine: I got one! Tanner: I got one, too! Justin: I got one! Than: Me too! Steven: Two, for me. Matthew: Not me. Trisha: He is so loyal! Tristan: Wait, isn't that the guy with no penis or testicles? Tanner: Tristan—! Tristan: Oh don't worry, baby. If the front door is closed, just go to the back. Blaine: Um, Tanner, aren't you gay? Tanner: That's a woman!? Mackenzie: I can't believe I didn't win anything. Shay: We got beat by a girl with no arms. Mackenzie: How could this have happened? Shay: Maybe we've been looking at this all wrong. Mackenzie: Yeah, maybe instead of being such bitches and being so terrible to everyone, we should just be better people. Shay: Yeah, maybe if we worked harder at being nice and making friends instead of defeating enemies, we really would be the Most Popular Girls in School! Mackenzie: Yeah! Shay: Yeah! Mackenzie: Or... we could swear revenge and dedicate our entire lives to destroying Rachel Tice. Shay: Yeah, I like that idea a lot better. Mackenzie: Wait, does this mean we're friends now? Shay: Oh no, I still fucking hate you. Mackenzie: Okay, good. Fuck you and your entire family. Shay: Okay, enjoy your bald spot, bitch. Mackenzie: You're gonna die alone. Shay: Biye!